Dear Philomena Tour Diaries: On Crucifixion

“I woke up on my crucifix again.”

Crucifixion is a prolonged, agonizing, brutal form of death. Tied or nailed to a large wooden beam, you are left to hang (anywhere from a few hours to several days) until you eventually die due to:
1) cardiac rupture or
2) heart failure or
3) hypovolemic shock or
4) acidosis or
5) asphyxia or
6) arrhythmia or
7) pulmonary embolism

Crucifixion is a fate I wish on no one. No one deserves to be crucified. No one deserves that amount of excruciating pain and torture. No one deserves to suffer like that.

By this point, I hope you realize that crucifixion is a rather heavy-handed metaphor for the fact that I woke up chained to a ridiculous amount of pain.

“I woke up on my crucifix again.”

October 21st, 2017. I was in too much pain to think straight, or to think of much of anything but escaping the excruciating pain and torture. By this point, I hope you realize that crucifixion is also a rather heavy-handed metaphor for the fact that I wanted to die.

“I woke up on my crucifix again.”

October 20th, 2017. I was in so much pain/exhaustion while getting out of the shower that I fainted and woke up on the bathroom floor. When I came to, my immediate concern was the fact that I had broken my host’s towel rack in an attempt to stabilize myself during the fall. My secondary concern was how to disclose the broken towel rack, without disclosing my disabilities. The concern of fainting came later. This is far from the first time I have fainted while getting out of the shower.

“I woke up on my crucifix again.”

October 19th, 2017. I was in too much pain/exhaustion to physically get out of bed all day long. Chained to my crucifix, I waited for my reprieve. Sleep is the cousin of death.

“I woke up on my crucifix again.”

September 19th, 2017. I woke up and was immediately flung into a 6 hour long seizure. Fully conscious during my seizures, my mind goes to dark places, as I continually convulse despite peaking pain and exhaustion levels. My immediate concern however, was that this seizure came at an inopportune time as I was supposed to be doing laundry. My secondary concern, as the seizure dragged on, was that the seizure forced me to miss the flight out to Kansas City that I was supposed to be on.

“I woke up on my crucifix again.”

September 20th, 2017. Waking up is always a shock to my system because in my dreams I get the escape that I so badly desire in life. In my dreams, I get the chance to set my crucifix down and walk through the world untethered. In my dreams, I get to be free. Free of the seizures. Free of the pain. Free of the exhaustion. Free from illness.

“I woke up on my crucifix again.”

September 20th, 2017. I braced myself, drew from an inner pool of dwindling strength, and rose to my feet with my crucifix on my back. That day I flew to Kansas City for a show. The venue was packed beyond capacity, there were no seats left, barely any standing room and I delivered one of the best performances that I’ve done to date.

I did it all with my crucifix on my back.

“I woke up on my crucifix again.”

Much love, appreciation and thanks to Samantha Slupski and the amazing team at ‘Poetic Underground’ and the Uptown Arts Bar for hosting me and who did an absolutely incredible job of creating such a fun, energetic and respectful space for the evening. Massive shout-out and appreciation to my Kansas family for coming through en masse!

Next tour date write-up is for the Open Mic@ Tia Chucha’s Centro Cultural on October 13th 2017!

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